As a woman who takes a stand for holding spaces of relating outside of patriarchy, one aspect of my research is to find the splinters that are working, unconsciously until made conscious, to hold me back into an old context that has blatantly run it’s course.
Patriarchal Splinter one: I do not share so as to not be seen as bad. I hide due to outsourcing my worth.
I don’t share my x on the map, or write about my experiences and research. I pretend things are all “good.” One story and excuse is, someone else has already figured this out, so what am I really offering. If I share something that someone else, or everybody else, already figured out, people will say “well, obvious.” I’ll be seen as or called dumb or simple. I won’t be seen and read as brilliant and innovative. One story is, people will find out how petty my unconscious emotions are, how brute my current matrix is, how reactive I am. I wouldn’t want them to see any of that, because then I won’t be liked, won’t be the “best” at this, won’t be seen as good, will be embarrassed, abandoned and alone.
Wow. What absolute chaos this voice creates.
I recently read a post I related to, about people’s obsession with goodness: being told they are seen as “good,” and how debilitating to community that is. If we focus on being seen a certain way, it means we are not putting in effort beyond what we already think we know, and perhaps hiding the rest. This limits possibilities of being in authentic service, aka doing or creating anything. If the main focus is to seek affirmation from others that we are not perceived as bad, we are not participating in community or reality. Blocking sharing is blocking healing. Healing happens in contact.
I see that part of me as a cocktail of competitive to be seen as good, and avoidant of being seen as bad. This splinter of the good/bad binary is patriarchy. I outsource my worth. This, when I give into it, blocks Archiarchy from flowing through as the Illuminated River.. The opposite of this splinter is to share no matter how simple it seems, or how much of a mess I make. To share, not despite the fear that I’ll be seen in my shadows, or seen as something besides good, but because of it.
Patriarchal Splinter two: I put responsibility on someone else, aka outsourcing my Life. I wage war.
I go out for a walk in the middle of the day. Jessi who takes care of my niece is out at a library or park. I have an hour an a half before my next call. I’m going to walk up the hill as many times as I decide, and I’m not going to keep count because that would be how an earlier version of me would act. On my way out the door I consider taking a key. This is my fear but I don’t listen. I’m not taking anything else, and a voice says “they won’t come back before you.” I disregard the fear, I do not take the key, and head up the hill.
I return. I go to open the door, and it’s locked. I immediately react with unconscious fear and anger. Fear ABOUT not being able to get back in the house. I notice how out of proportion this is to reality. Anger first AT myself: did I somehow close the door so hard that it locked itself? I look in and see that they are home. I start ringing the doorbell over and over again and knocking. My knocking gets more intense to be heard. I notice how activated I’m feeling over something so seemingly mundane. I see the “unconscious” fear and anger bubbling up, saying absurdities: what if you can’t get in for the rest of the day, what if nobody hears you. I wage war on Jessi in my head. Meanwhile, there is another actual war going on. Thousands of Palestinian people are getting bombarded with bombs, violently killed. Part of me considers all this, part of me keeps knocking harder.
I’m activated and hot in my body. They keep not hearing me. Now I’m yelling “Jessi,” and still nothing.
I keep noticing. I notice how crazy this all is. Am I going to let myself blame her, belittle her in my head. “Why did she do this, how can she not hear me.” I see that it’s Gremlin emotions, and then I remember that the neighbors have a key and go borrow it to let myself in. This was always something I knew, but the emotions blocked me from considering the simple possibility.
I go upstairs and try and mask my anger, but I don’t stop Gremlin. The energetic signature of being pissed and blaming her is so present. I say to her, “Did you hear the doorbell ringing?” She says no. I notice that a part of me doesn’t believe her! A voice says, “Yes she did, she did this on purpose.” I LATER TEST TO SEE IF SOMEONE IN THAT ROOM CAN HEAR THE DOORBELL. They cannot. That’s how much I’m living at war. I then say, “Can we keep the door unlocked during the day?” She responds, “It isn’t my fault.” There it is: her response is proof Gremlin is running my show because it activated her need to defend herself. I didn’t even have to say she did anything wrong. Gremlin came through energetically. I notice myself with a justification, but keep it to myself. It’s something like: I’m just simply presenting a solution, not blaming, just coming up with a way this won’t happen again. I notice, it’s a way that puts it on HER for this to not happen again, as if the solution is not and could not be my responsibility.
I sit down to write this immediately.
Gremlin is always working to make sure I don’t cover all my responsibilities.
Gremlin intends to always keep little gaps in responsibility, so that something/ anything someone else does can be a reason to blame them, aka, be at war.
With others, and myself.
Patriarchal Splinter three: I rescue myself from responsibility. I create low drama with myself.
I don’t untie my sneakers before taking them off. I slip them off. Later, I get (to be) frustrated when I’m in a rush. I’ll get (to have) that little moment of feeding on low drama with myself.
Perpetrator in me: You lazy piece of shit, you could have untied them before.
Victim in me: Why are there so many things to always be taking care of.
Rescuer in me: Don’t be so hard on yourself. You don’t have to untie them if you don’t want to.
While this last voice seems innocent and “true” enough, this is another justification to keeping the gap in responsibility. For someone else who doesn’t become a victim of the shoes being tied, leaving them tied and slipping them off may work just fine. Tying and untying the shoes is neutral. But for me, keeping them tied is a way I create a tiny gap in responsibility.
These gaps in responsibility are where Gremlin sets up to later feed. They are symptoms of patriarchy, seemingly tiny ways of outsourcing and denying my own power.
My experiment now is to notice when this is happening, and cover all my bases one by one. I see a shift simply by writing this, by bringing my keys with me, by untying my shoes before I take them off. These new choices represents my commitment to existing outside of patriarchy, to live in a new way, and hold space for myself and others in a new culture. My research is about continuing to hunt down which Gremlin behaviors support patriarchy, and keep me from being at source/the source for Archiarchy.
When I take the time to untie my shoes, it’s such a seemingly small slowing down moment, and I notice how I feel joy in the form of spacious relief when I do so.
Love & Clarity,
Beth